I am not scared of failure! My ego is…
Entrepreneur and Enterprising Mind of the Year 2023 Runner-Up Pabita Kister writes of her experiences with failure and how she came to realise that the journey and the process are much more important than the end product.
Take a minute to think back to a time when you felt like you had failed. Maybe it was a painful rejection, a risk that did not pay off, or an ultra-embarrassing moment. Remember that feeling? The shame, the disappointment, the loss of hope? Everyone remembers it, because everyone has experienced it… many times. As a result, some of us have even grown to equate failure with these negative emotions. You might even be scared of it.
But, the truth is: being scared to fail paradoxically also means never being able to succeed. The paradox thereby is that success at anything can only happen if you learn from the thousands of tiny failures along the way. Success and failure are both tied to the same verb: trying. Trying means doing something new without guaranteed success. Its two key ingredients are:
- a vision of a desirable goal (vision)
- the self-belief that you can get yourself there (self-efficacy)
We start each journey motivated, confident and hopeful. But at times those glorious visions never come to fruition, and instead our egos take a hit. A hurt ego is painful and ignites self-doubt. And, isn’t giving in to doubt is so much easier than to rebuild hope? So, we do all in our power to avoid that pain by: limiting the goals we set (eg. I used to want to write exciting and challenging papers, now I just focus on getting a passing-grade) and re-writing our self-belief (eg. I used to think I was smart and creative, now I believe I am neither smart, nor creative).
But, if I know anything, it is that building your life and self-identity with the sole purpose of avoiding pain (incl. the pain that comes from failure) is extremely unfulfilling. As an entrepreneur (co-founding three social enterprises) my perspective on failure has changed significantly over the past four years. The following are the three most important lessons I have learned (over and over again) when dealing with failure:
Growth-centered intentions
I do not know how many times I would delve head-first into something with the (sub)conscious intentions to boost my ego (eg. to prove something to myself, receive praise from others etc.). The problem with these intentions is that they are extremely outcome focused and tied to my self-worth. This means that you are fixating solely on the final product, and disregard any other positive effects (eg. the connections you make with other people, the new skills you learn, opportunities for innovative problem solving). By setting intentions which do not center solely around your ego, but around learning something new & connecting with people, you shift your definitions of success and failure. Success thereby includes more than reaching that final-product; and the outcome (good or bad) is not equated with your self-worth. Therefore, if you fail at reaching your desired outcome (which is undoubtedly painful) you do not give up, but instead focus on growing into a more resilient and knowledgeable self.
Accept what you can’t control, and take responsibility for what you can control:
When I fail at something, my emotional state blurs the lines of what I believe I can and cannot control. Seneca, a great Stoic, once said: “We suffer more in imagination than in reality”. We spend so much time in our heads ruminating through all the ‘could-haves’ and ‘should-haves’ that we forget the one and only thing in this world we can control: our minds. It is an active choice to either unproductively hyper-fixate on any negatives or optimistically celebrate the positives and learn important lessons from the negatives. Controlling your mind and your reactions takes a lot of time and effort. But accepting responsibility for your thoughts and emotions and learning the tools that work best for you to do so, is essential for dealing with any failures (and successes).
Shape your surrounding:
The people and ideas we surround ourselves with, be that in-person, virtually or through books, movies, songs etc. all affect how we view ourselves and our failures/ successes. I have found that it helps to be surrounded by people that are transparent about their struggles and supportive of me when I inevitably face some of my own problems. These same people also are there to celebrate our shared and individual successes.
To conclude, success and failure are the intended/ unintended outcomes of trying. Armed with a vision and self-efficacy we all venture into the unknown trying to become the people we want to be. Without a guarantee of success we have to make sure to also set growth-centered intentions (as opposed to solely outcome-centered ones) as well as take responsibility for the one thing we can control: how we respond to success/ failure. And finally, make sure you surround yourself with people that help you navigate both your failures and successes. Best of luck to you, and may any fear of failure never stop you from reaching for the stars and fulfilling your potential.